Did you forget to do this important thing?

Losing my first son almost killed me. After grieving, I threw myself into my work and studies. I isolated myself for weeks. I couldn’t stand to look in the mirror. I tried to go out, get my nails done, enjoy my husband. But nothing felt the same.

A darkness consumed me. You ever been swallowed up? (In my best TD Jakes voice) I read hundreds of blogs about grieving and losses and how to move on. This is what I concluded… I forgot to actually grieve!

5 Healthy Ways to Grieve

1. Let yourself hurt

I thought I grieved. I cried for two weeks then threw myself back into my normal routine. But the complex thing about grief is that it isn’t linear. Some days will be better than others and that’s okay. Don’t put a number or try to quantify your grief and certainly don’t compare it to someone else’s.

While I’m not telling you to stop everything you’re doing and just crawl under a rock. I am telling you to allow yourself to all the feelings. Don’t close yourself off and pretend that that everything’s okay. It’s not. You had a major loss. It’s going to affect you. Are you angry? Are you sad? Are you anxious? Are you feeling triggered? These are all normal. Stand in it, talk about it, write about it. Process those feelings.

I wrote all my feelings down. How angry I felt that I couldn’t have done more. How sad I was that he didn’t get to see all the beauty in the world. How frustrated I was with everyone around me that either treated me like something broken or didn’t acknowledge my loss at all. I let myself feel the hurt.

“My feelings are too loud for words and too shy for the world.”
Dejan Stojanovic

2. Indulge in self care

What do you consider self care? Is it a spa day? Retail therapy? Orange theory? Wine spritzer? Dinner with friends? A date on the couch with Häagen-Dazs? Cozying up with a captivating book? Whatever self care looks like for you…. Do it. Consistently. Make time for you. Trauma and stress negatively affect the mind-body-soul connection. There is a strong correlation between prolonged stress and disease.

Do it today. Book a trip. Go on a date. I dare you!

3. Seek help

I’ve been in therapy several times. I will absolutely cape for therapy. We do not have all the answers. We all have traumas throughout our lifespan and as a result, triggers. I truly benefited from closely examining my experiences that led to how I think and behave now. There are numerous of professionals from counselors, therapists, and psychologists. There are faith based, community based professionals that are well versed in a variety of topics. Some that take insurance and others that have pay scales and payment plans. Invest in yourself.

I also found community in support groups. I still exchange letters with the grief counselor that paid me a visit in the hospital. She was kind and patient. She allowed me to just cry. We sat in silence on the phone when I needed to know that someone cared. Reading dozens of stories somehow comforted me. I was able to see that I wasn’t alone. I also started a journal that I occasionally revisit to this day.

4. Create a new reality

Life is forever changed after a loss. What we do with it, is completely up to us. We can take it as an opportunity to reflect on what we have done, where we have been, and maybe even what we could’ve done differently. After the loss of my son, I started running. I found a local group of women and started running. It was hard. But it was always something I wanted to do. Losing him before his life even started made me realize that I have a gift of life and there is more that I could be doing. I created a bucket list and started checking things off. If I ever find myself in my deathbed, I want to be able to go out with no regrets!

Is there somewhere you’ve wanted to go? Let do it. Document it for posterity. Pounds that you want to shed? Find a gym or a fun trail. A new position at your employer, a new career, a new business venture? Carpe diem!

Loss taught me to be fearless (not stupid), but, fearless, in the sense of no longer being afraid of the what if? Not being afraid of moving forward. Creating a new reality doesn’t mean that you’re done grieving, just that you’ve chosen to live in this reality.

5. Be patient with yourself

Have you ever sat and just berated someone for something they couldn’t control? No? So why would you ever treat yourself that way? I’ve done it, so I know you’ve done it too. We’re human so we get a pass. But once you know better, you do better, right?

Right… so what can we do to show ourselves grace? Give ourselves time to grieve. As previously discussed, there is no time limit. I find myself almost six years later, still mourning at times. There isn’t a day that I don’t wonder what if? And it’s okay. I remember I used to daydream about what my life would look like and although it’s not exactly what I imagined, I hit a lot of goals. And for that, I’m so proud of myself. If you sit back and take the time to reflect, I’m sure you could agree that you pave accomplished so much.

Continue to give yourself grace as you navigate your feelings. It’s okay to not be okay. And if you’re not okay, seek guidance. Learn how to live and in your moments of weakness, give yourself grace.