Accept the things I cannot change

As much as I love being a mother, having two little people be solely dependent on me and me being painfully aware that each action or inaction could potentially scar them for the rest of their lives, can be extremely stressful, to say the least. There are days that I fight the urge to lay in bed and do absolutely nothing, but I have my little mes that are watching me, idolizing me, and soaking up everything. As much therapy as I have done in the past, I am aware that I am flawed. Some of those flaws include having a short fuse at times, ruminating over the past, and being functionally depressed.

With my depression, I find myself wishing that I could be better, do more, be thinner, smarter, more successful. At this point, I don’t even know what I am measuring myself up to. I’ve always been hard on myself and I laugh as I think of that old adage of you being your own worst critic. This is true as a parent. For every tantrum my toddler throws, I wonder if I did something subconsciously to trigger him or did I handle it properly? I remember when he caught hand foot and mouth disease from a friend of mine, I spent the next 6 months hiding him from the world. And when we absolutely had to go outside, I washed his hands obsessively, wiped down everything and bathed him shortly after returning home. But I’ve been thinking of how I not only show up in the world, but how my children will see me. I just want to make them proud. I want to have a genuine relationship with them that will continue to flourish for ages to come. I used to work at a nursing home and I remember seeing the elderly residents with no family or estranged family and I’ve always wondered what would make a relative walk away. I pray that I never find out. So with that being said, I’ve been reciting the well known serenity prayer to myself lately.

God give me the serenity to accept things which cannot be changed; Give me courage to change things which must be changed; And the wisdom to distinguish one from the other.
“Origin of the Serenity Prayer: A Historical Paper.” Aa.Org, http://www.aa.org/sites/default/files/literature/assets/smf-129_en.pdf. Accessed 26 Feb. 2024.