Mommy Guilt

When I retuned to work after the birth of my first son, I was determined to continue my breast feeding journey. In order keep up with my milk supply, I was pumping every three hours for thirty minutes, but realistically, I was unable to pump that frequently at work so within the first few weeks, I ran into the dreaded issue of clogged duct.

I woke up in the middle of the night to latch the baby on and I couldn’t tolerate him on the right breast. I fed him in the left and I remember getting up and going into the bathroom to check it out. I tried to hand express and got nothing. I didn’t panic at that moment, I went back to sleep. I probably was sleep deprived and literally couldn’t take on another problem.

I got up that morning and tried latching the baby onto that breast again and again… I couldn’t even squeeze a drop. I fed him on the other breast and figured, I would deal with it at work. Meanwhile, the milk was collecting in this breast. By 10 am, I was engorged and I spent the next hour in the lactation room panicking! I researched every DIY solution for clogged ducts.

I tried hot water with epsom salt, warm packs, massages. Nothing helped. I think, at that point, I had let it go too far. The veins were distended, the breast was shiny and hard. I was in pain! And I didn’t know what to do. Finally, when I got home, I knew what had to be done….

We had to squeeze it out! So my partner and I took the baby and latched him on that painful breast. I winced and even groaned in agony as my partner squeezed and pressed on the poor boob! He pressed and pushed and squeezed and I couldn’t take it. And finally I felt something give. I took the baby off the breast and bam! It was a long series of clots. I couldn’t believe it! Long stringy, dare I say it, cheesy? He squeezed and it kept coming and there it was. Relief!

I feel like that was super anticlimactic. That’s how it went. And then it got worst. The poor duct that those thangs came out it…. It’s almost like it enlarged it. I finished feeding the baby until I was “empty.” And then it got worse!

The following day I developed a blister on the tip of that same boob! According to my research and then later confirmed by a lactation consultant, it was a milk bleb. As if that breast and nipple didn’t suffer enough. The zing that felt for days later, excruciating! I thought I was done. I just couldn’t imagine going on. I couldn’t even tolerate the baby being on the breast, let alone the hard, plastic from the breast pump.

I committed to warm, salted water soaks on the breast every 3 – 4 hours. And it never felt like it was going to end, it did. Unfortunately, this happened maybe another two times. I ended up purchasing a wireless portable pump so I could pump more frequently without being away from work. And that literally saved my breastfeeding journey. I will be writing more about this things that I credit to the longevity of my breastfeeding journey. April will make three years!

Talk to me. Let’s get these conversations going! Have you ever experienced anything like that? What did you do?